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Tried to give you Summer,
But I'm Winter.
Wish I could make you Spring,
But I Fall so hard.

It is I, Tammi.


lucidblur
Age. 38
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Black
Location Petersburg, VA
School.
» More info.
What needs to be done?
- Finish painting
- File FAFSA
- Wash clothes
- Gather yardsale items
- Hang out with Levy
- Relax hair
- Unpack
- Buy Jimmy Eat World album
- Request credit report
- Close FSNB account
- Register for classes
Speak Free!




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Mood

Right now, I feel: The current mood of lucidblur@yahoo.com at www.imood.com
Inside my Mind

Extra Links
Lyrics of the Moment
In my fantasy I'm a pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it's way past time
To end in my mouth

Paint my face white and tried
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde
Show me your heresies
And I'll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You're my deep secret
I'm your pantomime
I'll just move my hands
I promise you'll see what I mean


Incubus : Pantomime
Shows!
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2001

Hoobastank, Incubus
Norfolk, VA
September 2001

Phantom Planet, Incubus
Richmond, VA
June 2002

30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus
Virginia Beach, VA
September 2002

Jepetto, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
March 2003

Lollapalooza: The Distillers, The Donnas, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Jane's Addiction
Bristow, VA
August 2003

Mest, Goldfinger, Good Charlotte
Richmond, VA
October 2003

Alien Ant Farm, 311
Richmond, VA
November 2003

Y101 Birthday Bash: Steriogram, Marcy Playground, HIM, Puddle of Mudd
Richmond, VA
May 2004

Spooky Daly Pride, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
June 2004

Ben Kweiler, Incubus
Richmond, VA
October 2004

Copper, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
January 2005

Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2005

Switchfoot
Norfolk, VA
November 2005
Falling Together.
Thursday. 10.27.05 6:12 pm
Oy. I have a headache. I think I woke up too fast. I don't even remember falling asleep, but apparently I did because I was awakened by a phone call from James a few minutes ago. For what? Just for him to hear my voice. ^.~ That's fine, though because I did the same to him either last night or the night before.

I'm pretty excited about going back to school. I did speak to a few people at Richard Bland yesterday morning and they made it seem quite simple. Usually, I feel like if something is too easy, there's something wrong with the picture. Hopefully, they knew what they were talking about. I'm finishing the FAFSA tonight so it can be done as soon as possible because I'm pretty sure that they will need me and my mom to come to the school for verification. I'll see if James is up for taking me to the school on Monday to pre-register, that is, if we're not doing anything else. It'd be something to do, but I'm not too worried about it.

I talked to an AOHELL rep. yesterday, too. I ended up not only receiving an answer to my question, but also next month's payment free. Can we say w00+?

As for this weekend's Halloween Party, I'm thinking that we won't go. I don't really have a desire to anymore unless Anna-Marie is still going. James and I both agreed that we'd rather spend time together. He said he wants to take me out on a real date. ^.^ We don't have to, but it'd be nice. I can pick out a nice place for us to eat, or maybe even choose something that we've never done before.

James called me while he was in the mall yesterday. He hates malls, so I asked him what he was doing there and he didn't give me a real answer. So I told him that I knew why he was there. I told him it was to have the ring he gave me cleaned. hahaha. It was funny. I wouldn't say that James is predictable, but we've been around each other for so long now that I just know how his mind works. I knew he was going to do that before he came here.

Oh, I ended up meeting with Levy yesterday. He's a cool guy, really. The whole time, though, I kept wondering if he was related to two people that I know. I did ask him, and he said most of his family lives in Texas. Yeah, so he's like twenty-five, tall, dark, and skinny with a mohawk. In other words, he's a complete oreo like me - maybe even more. We went to a few stores and I helped him pick out something for his neice, then we stood outside of Wal-Mart talking for about two hours non-stop.

He's also kind of a dork. (I mean that in an unoffensive way). He likes wrestling and collects some wrestling merchandise. But. He's not into anime and a ton of video games, which we both were relieved to know. LOL. I mean, I really have nothing against those interests and I don't think he does either, but the kind of people who obsess over those sorts of things, are usually looney, snobby, or they don't seem to have their priorities straight. This is based on my experience.

But it feels cool to have a new friend. He seems like someone I can really talk to. I think I talked him to death about James, though, but he didn't seem to mind. haha. S'alright. James knows, of course. I just hope he's alright with me gaining a new friend that happens to be male, because he really has nothing to worry about. I told him that.

When James woke me up, I was sort of having a flashback dream. No matter how I say it, it's going to sound mushy. I pretty much dreamt of living in Ocala - the good stuff. James was right beside me throughout the whole dream, but it was as if I was caught in my mind and in what I was seeing. It was very clear, what I was seeing, but things such as words and personal reactions were very, very foggy.

I remembered the day we saw Gothika together. We ate at Arby's first, which wasn't so good. The place was nearly empty and one of the managers was interviewing someone for a job almost directly behind us. Although James hates horror movies, it was his idea to see Gothika. He told me that he wanted to see it, which I'm not so sure he meant, but at the time I assumed he only wanted to see because of Halle Berry. When we got there, we were the only ones in the theatre besides an older guy that sat way behind us.

I remember another time driving down a road that I can't remember the name of. I don't know where we were going or coming from. It was near the store he had worked (or used to). I'm almost certain it was after we'd broken up, or at least, around the time I was upset at him a lot. Anywho, I only remember a Nickelback song playing. I think it was "Someday". I don't know what it was about that moment to make it stick in my head, but hey, I dreamt about it.

The one time that we worked out together so hard that I couldn't sit up in bed the next morning, was in my dream. Not us working out, but where we went after. Wendy's! I'd gotten a triple cheeseburger, which I'm almost sure was how I spent the last bit of the money I had when I moved there.

The night James was fired (the first time)? I was asleep and had woken up when he came into the room. That night, we went to some sort of burger and milkshake place. I don't remember eating much. I think I was sick. On the drive there, he told me crazy stories about stealing porn from his girlfriend's or friend's house. It amazed me that he thought I'd think the stories were funny instead of repulsive. I laughed anyway because selfishly, I was sort of glad he was fired. To me, that meant not sleeping all day and counting down the hours and minutes until he got back.

I remember one of the last times we went to the park. At least, I remember the last time going before I told him I think we should break up. I'd attempted to break up with him before and it seemed like he knew what I was about to say and avoided it. >.< We walked around the lake and it was cold. We sat on a bench and he held me from behind and talked for a long time. One of us was crying, but I'm not sure which.

I remember one particular time - out of the millions - that I was in a video game store with him. It wasn't an Electronics Boutique and it wasn't inside the mall. I don't know why or why it was included in my dream, but it was. I think he bought Zelda, or at least wanted to. (James, if you do read this, don't ever tell me that we always go into stores that I want. Have you forgotten all of the times you dragged me into video game stores and I didn't complain? Hm?! lol)

There were lots more in my dream, but it would take a long time to get into all of it. It made me realize something, though. I have no problem with Brian or any of James' friends, but I think we're so much better together when it's just me and him. There seems to be so much of a difference when it's me and him and when there's me, him, and other people. I don't know why this is and I know that it's not only that he treats me differently, which was very prominent in how he acted when Chris came to visit him. That needs to be fixed because I know it probably won't ever be just me and James. Even if we end up moving in together in the future, he'll probably have Brian with him. Not to say that it's a drag, but it'd be nice if both of us could just run away to somewhere that we don't know anyone and start our own life. I'd be happier that way. We could pretend to be normal.

I also realized how much we have changed. I'm way more open. James is a tad more calm. I'm less patient. James is even less sensitive, which bothers me, but it's something I'll have to learn to accept I guess. There are things that I still hold against James simply because he has no valid excuses for them, especially the things he has done and said to me in the last couple of months or so. I guess I could also say he's less defensive for me; when I moved in with him last time he treated me more like Brian than someone he loved. I mean, especially right before I left.

Objectively, I would ask myself why I'm in love with someone like that. I have more reasons to be, I suppose. Like I said before, just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to be with them. Granted, James doesn't always make me feel good, but it's something that can be changed.

Anywho, James called and interrupted my train of thought. Poohead. So I'm going to stop here. I have stuff to do. Hopefully, I'll have it all done by the time he gets home from work so we can talk a bit.

God, I've been on this journal entry for a long time.
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