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Tried to give you Summer,
But I'm Winter.
Wish I could make you Spring,
But I Fall so hard.

It is I, Tammi.


lucidblur
Age. 31
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. Black
Location Petersburg, VA
School.
» More info.
What needs to be done?
- Finish painting
- File FAFSA
- Wash clothes
- Gather yardsale items
- Hang out with Levy
- Relax hair
- Unpack
- Buy Jimmy Eat World album
- Request credit report
- Close FSNB account
- Register for classes
Speak Free!




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Mood

Right now, I feel: The current mood of lucidblur@yahoo.com at www.imood.com
Inside my Mind

Extra Links
Lyrics of the Moment
In my fantasy I'm a pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it's way past time
To end in my mouth

Paint my face white and tried
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde
Show me your heresies
And I'll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain't afraid to let it out
I'm not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You're my deep secret
I'm your pantomime
I'll just move my hands
I promise you'll see what I mean


Incubus : Pantomime
Shows!
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2001

Hoobastank, Incubus
Norfolk, VA
September 2001

Phantom Planet, Incubus
Richmond, VA
June 2002

30 Seconds to Mars, Incubus
Virginia Beach, VA
September 2002

Jepetto, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
March 2003

Lollapalooza: The Distillers, The Donnas, Queens of the Stone Age, Jurassic 5, Incubus, Audioslave, Jane's Addiction
Bristow, VA
August 2003

Mest, Goldfinger, Good Charlotte
Richmond, VA
October 2003

Alien Ant Farm, 311
Richmond, VA
November 2003

Y101 Birthday Bash: Steriogram, Marcy Playground, HIM, Puddle of Mudd
Richmond, VA
May 2004

Spooky Daly Pride, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
June 2004

Ben Kweiler, Incubus
Richmond, VA
October 2004

Copper, Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Richmond, VA
January 2005

Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Virginia Beach, VA
August 2005

Switchfoot
Norfolk, VA
November 2005
Gah.
Friday. 11.4.05 10:11 pm
My mom brought up that tonight was the night of the Switchfoot concert.

I feel bad now. She actually remembered.

I was supposed to buy us tickets and take her to the show. I feel low. Even if she did leave me outside of my job for an extra half-hour standing with my co-workers and waiting.

GAH! I'm a bad daughter.

I'm beginning to like the 2 to 10 shift. Maybe I'll have it more often when I start school in Spring.

Speaking of that, I need to rewrite my wanted schedule so I'll have classes that will transfer with no problem to VCU.

I started on a painting, too.

I have a lot of things to do! Gah. This is a fact and I bet tonight I won't do much more than wash some clothes to take to Peggy's house for our yardsale and talk to James.

!! I need to request days off in December so I can see James.

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Woo.
Tuesday. 11.1.05 5:49 pm
I think I may begin writing in the Livejournal more than Nutang again. It took me three weeks to put something new in my LJ (last night), but I want to make it all prettiful and stuph.

8:30 until 5:45, I worked today, mainly because the closing FES was about twenty minutes late. S'alright, though. It's not like I won't be paid for it. I am very tired, but I want to talk to James.

A Weird Whitie: hey baby
A Weird Whitie: let me call you after 7 ok
Lucid Blur: hey
Lucid Blur: No
Lucid Blur: :(
A Weird Whitie: i can't sit in this chair
Lucid Blur: Asshole.
Lucid Blur: lol
A Weird Whitie: stop it
A Weird Whitie: your such a but
A Weird Whitie: butt*
Lucid Blur: It's because you dont love me.
Lucid Blur: I slept in cars for you but you can't sit in a chair for me :(
Lucid Blur: Hurt my feelings.
A Weird Whitie: omg
A Weird Whitie: come on
Lucid Blur: It's fine. I understand. You're worth it, but I'm not.
Lucid Blur: :'(
A Weird Whitie: i've pissed in mt. dew bottles going 90 mph on the highway
Lucid Blur: You piss outside too just for the hell of it.
Lucid Blur: That wasn't out of your nature.
A Weird Whitie: lol
Lucid Blur: lol
A Weird Whitie: shut up
A Weird Whitie: your so mean sometimes
Lucid Blur: haha.
Lucid Blur: I think you like it, though.
A Weird Whitie: come on it's only a lil while
Lucid Blur: It's like... twenty whole minutes.
A Weird Whitie: i'll call you as soon as it's free
Lucid Blur: What am I supposed to do for twenty minutes?
A Weird Whitie: i've paid $400 phone bills for you...lol. beat dat
A Weird Whitie: lol
Lucid Blur: I...
Lucid Blur: Got squirted in my eye by you.
A Weird Whitie: lmfao
Lucid Blur: And I'm beginning to lose eye sight.
A Weird Whitie: no your not
Lucid Blur: lol, Seriously, though.

haha.

I overheard Jackie and Lindsay talking while I was running reports. They were talking about sisters "Lindsey and Lacey", and although those are actually common sister names, I asked if they meant Leonard because I heard Jackie say she worked with Lindsay at the mall. It was the same people. I thought that was weird.

What really made me butt in and ask was when Lindsay said that a lot of people ask her if she's related to Lacey Leonard because they look alike. When I saw Lindsay the first time I went into that store (#2032), I thought about Lacey. Small world, I say.

I think Jackie is really cool. She's going to RBC next semester, I think. She's twenty-two. She thought I was, too. hahah. I told her that most people say sixteen and she said that she could tell I wasn't too young because me and her act the same - whatever that meant. She's really nice too and I like working with her.

What sucks? The auditor may come tomorrow.

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My BOYFRIEND'S Visit.
Monday. 10.31.05 8:04 pm
That's so weird to say. Boyfriend? I can't even call him a boyfriend. "Boyfriend" doesn't speak enough; it doesn't do justice. So many girls get to call guys their boyfriends, but it's not James. My prior relationships have been with "boyfriend"s. It doesn't feel right to give him the same title I've given others. He deserves more. So James is James - not a boyfriend. Yet, otherwise known as Jimmie or Poopyhead. ^.^

This is James' visit.

I'm currently on the phone with James and his signal is bad.

Nevermind. I let him go. A friend he hasn't talked to in four or five months just called in. I'm hoping that goes well.

James just left a few minutes ago. I'm sad, but I refrained from crying, which was really hard after seeing James being upset. About an hour before it was time for him to drive home, I just kept thinking about the time wasted. I feel like he really wasn't here long enough. To make it even worse, I worked both yesterday and the day before.

I guess I'll start from the beginning.

I worked from 3 until 9:30 Friday night. I was running behind because there were things I wanted to do before James got here, like wash clothes, clean one of my rooms, and plan out the dinner I was going to make personally. I had bought candles and everything for it. That didn't happen! I didn't even have time to plan it. When I got off of work, I walked to Mom's car. I walked up to her window and asked her why she wasn't getting out and going to the passenger's side because she usually makes me drive on the days she picks me up from work. As I was questioning her, someone I thought was just an asshole was blowing his horn. I ignored it and kept talking. Then Mom asked, "Why don't you see who's blowing the horn?" So I looked and after a few seconds, I realized it was James.

The first time James has ever completely surprised me!

I'd asked him before to come up on Friday night instead of Saturday morning, and he completely fooled me. James got out of the car and I gave him a big hug. He looked really cute. I left Mom and yelled bye to her before hopping in the car with James. He gave me my ring back to me in a brand new case and box and asked me to be his girlfriend. ^.^

So I have my boyfriend back - officially.

I asked him where we were staying. I thought maybe it was going to be like old times and we'd be sleeping in his car in the twenty-four hour Wal-Mart parking lot. He informed me that he had pawned some of his things and in turn got money to stay an extra night in the hotel. (I recently read the receipt right before James left and learned that he pawned over twenty DVDs and six video games.)

After going to my house and gathering some things, we headed to McDonalds, ate in, then checked into our regular hotel. To be honest, I don't remember too much from that night. I just know that we had unrushed sex. Also that I was really happy that he had came that night instead of in the morning; we would've only been able to spend about thirty minutes together after checking in before I'd have to leave for work.

Saturday, worked sucked but didn't seem too long. I still hated that I had to work while James sat at the hotel and watched TV. When I got off, we ate at Wendy's then returned to my store. See, last week, all employees received fifty percent off of everything bought in the store. I thought it'd be a great time to buy paint, paint brushes, and canvases because I'd wanted to start painting again. So the original total was $60.00, and BAM, got it for $30.01. I had fun in the store with James, but my legs were hurting from working.

Around 9pm, after we had gone to Wal-Mart for grocery shopping, Anna called and said she wasn't going to the Halloween party. I'd forgotten all about it, so it was no worries. She told me that Thomas was in town from school in Fairfax and that they'd visit and we could all go out to eat. We ate at Ruby Tuesday's and fortunately, Josh M. didn't work that night. I HAD FUN. James got to meet Thomas too, which was nice. I was laughing the whole time. I wish all of us lived close together so we could hang out all the time. All of us got this strawberry lemonade drink and it was great. We called it crack juice. hahaha! When Anna got her apetitizer - a sampler - I picked off of her plate.

Anna: Try the chicken.
Me: It looks hot. It even has red stuff dripping off of it.
Anna: *takes a piece of chicken and dips it in blue cheese, then offers it to me*
Me: Ew! No, you put that sauce on it.
Anna: What?! It's blue cheese!
Me: But it's white and gooey and funny-looking.
Anna: *gives me her famous over-the-glasses look* Tammi, now you tell me you've never had any gooey, white stuff in your mouth.
Me: *looks and smiles at James* Not often, huh?
James: *chuckles* It's not enough, I'll tell you that.

ROFL. You'd have to be there. It was hilarious. We all cracked up.

Thomas and Anna are just crazy together. I love it. It was even better with James. Thomas was talking about how bad he had to pee from drinking so much "crack juice" and James told this story. His story was that he was leaving to come see me in Virginia and rushing because he was behind in time. He said that he had a pack of Mountain Dew with him and peed in one of the bottles while he was driving so he didn't have to pull over. lmao. He NEVER told me about this! It was great. Thomas and Anna had fun with that story.

I announced that James is my boyfriend again for good. Anna kept giggling to herself. James asked if it was because of all the times I told her I hated him (which I never did). She told him no and started mocking me and James on the phone; saying, "*smooch, smooch* I love youuu!" She got that from one of the last times I stayed at her house and I was on the phone with James a lot. It was pretty funny, but I was embarrassed. Anna knew me before I even had my first crush and when I'd tease her for liking boys. I feel like I'm still supposed to be that thick-skinned, unemotional girl that joked all the time and thought boys were icky. I'll get over it, though. haha.

I'm so glad she came, though. I really appreciate the people who care about me. Before I came back, I was thinking that I wouldn't have anyone here. I sat back and thought about all the times Anna came and picked me up, took me back to Richmond, and paid for my dinner. Someone who didn't truly care about me wouldn't do something like that. It makes me happy especially because I've had to cut false friends from my life recently in the last week and also over the last year or so. It's nice to know I have loyal friends. This includes James.

Oh man, I woke up feeling bad yesterday morning. I watched Girl, Interrupted for the first time and it's now one of my favorite movies, and also had some Hardees. That didn't help how I was feeling. I described it to James as it being as if I'm constipated and on my period. I'm sure no one wants to know every single detail such as what I'm about to say, but it's to make a point. We had sex again. I had kept telling James weeks ago that I'd probably have my period the weekend he got here. Guess what I found an hour after we had sex? haha. Yes, yes. I found it pretty ironic. As James would say, "My cooter was broken." Okay, I thought it was funny.

I wanted to get out of work, so I tried calling in but no one could replace me since I'm one of the few supervisors. So I just went in an hour later with permission. OH MY GOD, IT SUCKED! It was busy, I kept feeling like I was going to literally pass out, I was leaking, I was moody, and I had some asshole make an inappropriate comment on how to get rid of the two hickeys on my chest and neck. Bastard. I handled it, though. Then to top it off, James had to wait forty-five minutes outside for me to get off. I didn't get out until eight o'clock!

We went out to eat at Applebee's, where I spent my last earned penny. The food was good, though except for the surprise James found in his, but he still got something to replace it. After that, we went home and slept. Sleeping was hard. I kept having to get up and change my tampon because I was bleeding so much. I kept sweating or getting cold. I was cramping really bad too and kept having to get James to rub my stomach. He didn't sleep well either.

Here's the best part: After checking out this morning, I had a falling out with Mom because she was being a bitch about me and James sitting in the basement and eating. What was the big deal? I don't know. Grandma didn't even have an issue with it. But she broke a table and everything, then was upset when Grandma actually went against what she wanted. It's so ridiculous. Mom needs help, seriously. It's like she doesn't understand that she's not a child anymore.

BUT. It's fine. I'll be out of here in two years. *crosses fingers* I will get into that later, though. While James was here, we picked up a course schedule for next semester and not everything that I wanted is offered next semester, probably because it's Spring and not Fall. Fuckers. Gah! I'll figure it out. I swear I won't be there any longer than four semesters, though.

Before going to RBC, James and I walked around the mall and just got ice-cream and a smoothie. After going to RBC this evening, we ate at Sal's Pizza. (I'd gone to my aunt to borrow money, this afternoon.) It was nice eating there. I had wanted to take him there before. James was quiet because he was sad about leaving. I was sad, too but I tried really hard to not think about it. This was just a couple of hours ago. James left at about seven o'clock. We sat in his car for a while before we pried ourselves away from each other. Gah. It's really going to suck. I know I can't see him for the holidays because of my job. We're planning on me going down there to visit in the first week in December for about a half-week.

So here I am. James keeps calling me every time he reaches a big city so he can call me with a good signal. I'm bored. I'm broke. I won't have money again until Friday of next week. I miss James. Mom is irritating me with her loudness. I want to sleep. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

I work from 8:30 to 5 tomorrow and every time I think about it, I want to cry. I hate opening, I've realized and I've forgotten how to do a few opening proceedures because it has been a while. I'm sure they don't expect me to remember how to do everything off-hand quite yet, though. I don't know who I work with tomorrow and to be honest, I would like for the closing FES to come in early so I can leave before 5, because my cramps are killing me. Someone was let go the other day for calling out last minute and I've already tried doing that once. I really want to keep this job, or at least leave with good-standing so I can get an even better job with a different company. I'm considering leaving Michaels after the season. I'm unsure, though. It really depends on how many hours they give me during Spring semester at RBC. If it's less than twenty, I'm quitting.

So since I have nothing to do! I'm going to plan out which classes I'm going to take so I can register on Wednesday. No one better have my classes! Grr! I want my classes in a way that I can work around.

Good night. Hello to the real world tomorrow.

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YAY!
Sunday. 10.30.05 12:26 pm
James is here!

He actually came Friday night and surprised me when I got off of work. It was really, really sweet.

But he's outside waiting for me now and I have a lot to say. I'll wait until he leaves tomorrow. :(

Back to the hotel to prepare for work.

I don't want to leave him.

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Falling Together.
Thursday. 10.27.05 6:12 pm
Oy. I have a headache. I think I woke up too fast. I don't even remember falling asleep, but apparently I did because I was awakened by a phone call from James a few minutes ago. For what? Just for him to hear my voice. ^.~ That's fine, though because I did the same to him either last night or the night before.

I'm pretty excited about going back to school. I did speak to a few people at Richard Bland yesterday morning and they made it seem quite simple. Usually, I feel like if something is too easy, there's something wrong with the picture. Hopefully, they knew what they were talking about. I'm finishing the FAFSA tonight so it can be done as soon as possible because I'm pretty sure that they will need me and my mom to come to the school for verification. I'll see if James is up for taking me to the school on Monday to pre-register, that is, if we're not doing anything else. It'd be something to do, but I'm not too worried about it.

I talked to an AOHELL rep. yesterday, too. I ended up not only receiving an answer to my question, but also next month's payment free. Can we say w00+?

As for this weekend's Halloween Party, I'm thinking that we won't go. I don't really have a desire to anymore unless Anna-Marie is still going. James and I both agreed that we'd rather spend time together. He said he wants to take me out on a real date. ^.^ We don't have to, but it'd be nice. I can pick out a nice place for us to eat, or maybe even choose something that we've never done before.

James called me while he was in the mall yesterday. He hates malls, so I asked him what he was doing there and he didn't give me a real answer. So I told him that I knew why he was there. I told him it was to have the ring he gave me cleaned. hahaha. It was funny. I wouldn't say that James is predictable, but we've been around each other for so long now that I just know how his mind works. I knew he was going to do that before he came here.

Oh, I ended up meeting with Levy yesterday. He's a cool guy, really. The whole time, though, I kept wondering if he was related to two people that I know. I did ask him, and he said most of his family lives in Texas. Yeah, so he's like twenty-five, tall, dark, and skinny with a mohawk. In other words, he's a complete oreo like me - maybe even more. We went to a few stores and I helped him pick out something for his neice, then we stood outside of Wal-Mart talking for about two hours non-stop.

He's also kind of a dork. (I mean that in an unoffensive way). He likes wrestling and collects some wrestling merchandise. But. He's not into anime and a ton of video games, which we both were relieved to know. LOL. I mean, I really have nothing against those interests and I don't think he does either, but the kind of people who obsess over those sorts of things, are usually looney, snobby, or they don't seem to have their priorities straight. This is based on my experience.

But it feels cool to have a new friend. He seems like someone I can really talk to. I think I talked him to death about James, though, but he didn't seem to mind. haha. S'alright. James knows, of course. I just hope he's alright with me gaining a new friend that happens to be male, because he really has nothing to worry about. I told him that.

When James woke me up, I was sort of having a flashback dream. No matter how I say it, it's going to sound mushy. I pretty much dreamt of living in Ocala - the good stuff. James was right beside me throughout the whole dream, but it was as if I was caught in my mind and in what I was seeing. It was very clear, what I was seeing, but things such as words and personal reactions were very, very foggy.

I remembered the day we saw Gothika together. We ate at Arby's first, which wasn't so good. The place was nearly empty and one of the managers was interviewing someone for a job almost directly behind us. Although James hates horror movies, it was his idea to see Gothika. He told me that he wanted to see it, which I'm not so sure he meant, but at the time I assumed he only wanted to see because of Halle Berry. When we got there, we were the only ones in the theatre besides an older guy that sat way behind us.

I remember another time driving down a road that I can't remember the name of. I don't know where we were going or coming from. It was near the store he had worked (or used to). I'm almost certain it was after we'd broken up, or at least, around the time I was upset at him a lot. Anywho, I only remember a Nickelback song playing. I think it was "Someday". I don't know what it was about that moment to make it stick in my head, but hey, I dreamt about it.

The one time that we worked out together so hard that I couldn't sit up in bed the next morning, was in my dream. Not us working out, but where we went after. Wendy's! I'd gotten a triple cheeseburger, which I'm almost sure was how I spent the last bit of the money I had when I moved there.

The night James was fired (the first time)? I was asleep and had woken up when he came into the room. That night, we went to some sort of burger and milkshake place. I don't remember eating much. I think I was sick. On the drive there, he told me crazy stories about stealing porn from his girlfriend's or friend's house. It amazed me that he thought I'd think the stories were funny instead of repulsive. I laughed anyway because selfishly, I was sort of glad he was fired. To me, that meant not sleeping all day and counting down the hours and minutes until he got back.

I remember one of the last times we went to the park. At least, I remember the last time going before I told him I think we should break up. I'd attempted to break up with him before and it seemed like he knew what I was about to say and avoided it. >.< We walked around the lake and it was cold. We sat on a bench and he held me from behind and talked for a long time. One of us was crying, but I'm not sure which.

I remember one particular time - out of the millions - that I was in a video game store with him. It wasn't an Electronics Boutique and it wasn't inside the mall. I don't know why or why it was included in my dream, but it was. I think he bought Zelda, or at least wanted to. (James, if you do read this, don't ever tell me that we always go into stores that I want. Have you forgotten all of the times you dragged me into video game stores and I didn't complain? Hm?! lol)

There were lots more in my dream, but it would take a long time to get into all of it. It made me realize something, though. I have no problem with Brian or any of James' friends, but I think we're so much better together when it's just me and him. There seems to be so much of a difference when it's me and him and when there's me, him, and other people. I don't know why this is and I know that it's not only that he treats me differently, which was very prominent in how he acted when Chris came to visit him. That needs to be fixed because I know it probably won't ever be just me and James. Even if we end up moving in together in the future, he'll probably have Brian with him. Not to say that it's a drag, but it'd be nice if both of us could just run away to somewhere that we don't know anyone and start our own life. I'd be happier that way. We could pretend to be normal.

I also realized how much we have changed. I'm way more open. James is a tad more calm. I'm less patient. James is even less sensitive, which bothers me, but it's something I'll have to learn to accept I guess. There are things that I still hold against James simply because he has no valid excuses for them, especially the things he has done and said to me in the last couple of months or so. I guess I could also say he's less defensive for me; when I moved in with him last time he treated me more like Brian than someone he loved. I mean, especially right before I left.

Objectively, I would ask myself why I'm in love with someone like that. I have more reasons to be, I suppose. Like I said before, just because you love someone doesn't mean you want to be with them. Granted, James doesn't always make me feel good, but it's something that can be changed.

Anywho, James called and interrupted my train of thought. Poohead. So I'm going to stop here. I have stuff to do. Hopefully, I'll have it all done by the time he gets home from work so we can talk a bit.

God, I've been on this journal entry for a long time.

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I HATE CLEANING SOMETIMES.
Wednesday. 10.26.05 1:20 pm
I know, I know. I'm back already. Anything but continue to clean my rooms? It's coming along, though, I swear.

So I get to completely cross something off of my list. I made a few phone calls to Richard Bland to get everything straight. I don't need to meet with anyone in the office. I'm going to finish the application I started. I may do so at Peggy's house, but I feel like she might be nosy about it and try to instruct me. Although she is a professor, she doesn't have much knowledge about financial aid. In fact, a few years ago, she advised me to not file for financial aid because I wouldn't get any money. I believed her.

My mom is divorced and hasn't worked in two years and lives off of a $205 disability check and I haven't seen my dad in almost five years? Yeah, that means I definitely wouldn't receive any money.

I had something that's not as petty as the things I've been putting in my journal lately that I wanted to write about. I don't think I'm in my right frame of mind to do that right now. Besides, I think I may save that as a Livejournal update since it has been a while.

I think I'm afraid to be as nice to James as I feel sometimes. Isn't that stupid? (Stupid isn't the word, but you know what I mean.) When someone is nice to me with words, especially in the romantic sort of way, I'm initially compelled to insult them jokingly. Ahh, I know that he understands that it's just the way I am and I appreciate that he deals with it and continues to tell me how he feels despite my reaction, but I want to be better to him. I think it's a childish way to act the way I do.

No relationship is flawless nor is all communication always open and receptive, not even with yourself. If you believe so, you're probably not perceiving from every existing angle. But I will change it that as much as I, myself, possible can. Not try; I will.

Now. v.v Rooms need to be cleaned.

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